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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23337766">To Kill an Emperor, Child of Hircine.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JFinne/pseuds/JFinne'>JFinne</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Dark Brotherhood Questline, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:29:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,983</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23337766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JFinne/pseuds/JFinne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I was playing Skyrim and I had the worst event of luck take place at the worst moment of time. But heck did it make for a good short story. <br/>Hope you like it!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>To Kill an Emperor, Child of Hircine.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After a long journey from Falkreach, I finally got to Solitude. I was mentally going over the plan yet another time as I entered the city and headed for the Winking Skeever, I needed a room.</p><p>Preparations were key, and it didn't take much gold to have the carriage driver bring my chest to the inn—the same chest I always paid to have brought with me to whichever city our <em>¨services¨</em> was needed in. Like I said; preparations were key.</p><p>Now, of course, I knew the Penitus Oculatus wouldn't allow me entry to the castle if I was wearing armor and weapons—note of passage or not—so, except for my dagger, I hid all my weapons and armor in the chest and took out the outfit I had prepared for this very contract; chef's clothing, to dress up as ¨The Gourmet,¨ hat and all.</p><p>The clothes might ¨make-the-man,¨ but I did have a face too—and at the moment, it wasn't a friendly one. But that was nothing warm water and sharp steel couldn't fix, as I removed my facepaint and shaved—something that was <strong>much</strong> needed after my long journey. Damn did I look presentable when I was done.</p><p>But it was still early, the sun had yet to rise, so I sat down on the bed and awaited nightfall. After all, It's <em>supper</em> I intend to serve, and it would also be easier to escape the city <em>after </em>darkness fell.</p><p>Sleeping through the day was nothing new to me, in fact, it was a necessity. And being able to ¨sleep and wake on command¨ was a skill benefitting me even before I became an assassin.</p><p>As planned, I awaken shortly after the sun had set—around 8 or so in the evening—and slowly make my way to Castle Dour. The cloth against my skin felt uncomfortable, loose, and saggy. Well, I guess that's what I get for being used to skintight leather and facemasks. But, I didn't feel like being almost unarmed and fully unarmored would be a handicap for me—I'm the Dragonborn you see, my voice alone is more than I need if it gets to that. But I did hope I'd be able to slip away without a fight, and I had planned for that as well.</p><p>Since I'm a vampire, I could use <em>Obfuscate </em>in order to <em>blend into the shadows</em> as the Emperor brought his poisoned spoon to his lips, and I'd be out the door before his body touched the floor.</p><p>
  <em>My plan was sound.</em>
</p><p>I get to the gate and is greeted by Commander Maro himself. You all know the drill—hello, show papers, dadidaa. Worked like a charm.</p><p>"Your clothes... Of course... I should have realized," he sais before gesturing for me to head inside for the kitchen.</p><p>
  <em>Excellent... It's all going as planned.</em>
</p><p>I move on through the decorated corridor and soon find myself in the Kitchen—introducing myself to the female chef with silence, for I am the Listener and no words are needed.</p><p>Now maaybeee I should have prepared myself a little more for this part of the contract? Practiced a bit? Learned the recipe needed? Or at least <em>read </em>The Gourmet's recipe book beforehand? For honestly, I knew less than naught about cooking… So I continued my foreboding silence and dark glare in hope of a miracle, and luckily for me, she did most of the cooking. Though by the end I did contribute with a ¨special ingredient¨ of my own.</p><p>"Smells wonderful," she said as she took the pot, telling me to follow, "I'm sure the Emperor and his guests are <em>dying </em>to meet you."</p><p><em>I'm sure they are,</em> I think to myself as I stalked in her shadow, something that since my time in the Thieve's Guild had become more than a habit—for Nightingales always walk with the shadows. <em>I'm suure they are…</em></p><p>I could feel the excitement growing inside of me as we climbed the stairs. <em>Not far now... Keep it together...</em> I told myself between every step. I might have mastered the art of keeping a straight face long ago, but on the inside I was smiling widely, nay, grinning!</p><p>We walk through the doors into the dining hall and are met with the Emperor himself and his noble guests sitting comfortably by the table. And, of course, there are guards present, two of them to be precise—Penitus Oculatus—standing like statues decorating the room as they kept their eyes on the Emperor's safety.</p><p>Another silent introduction from my part as their <em>last supper</em> is served. "Aha! Here we are. Honored guest, I present to you - The Gourmet!" The Emperor proclaims in arrogance.</p><p>Suddenly, I felt a strong heartbeat in my chest as he had ended his sentence. Too strong.</p><p>
  <em>By Sithis, no…</em>
</p><p>"Ah, the Potage le Magnifique. So delicious," he continues as <em>another </em>strong heartbeat beat in my chest, and my vision begins turning yellow and red. I was more than familiar with this hardened heartbeat since my time with the Companions. And this was bad, for <em>night had struck.</em></p><p>
  <em>Today of all days! Weeks, months, of planning! And I had fully forgotten about the turning of the moons! ONE SINGLE DAY OF THE MONTH! Hircine must be laughing in his hunting grounds!</em>
</p><p>That's right, I forgot to mention. Not only am I a vampire. I'm a werewolf/vampire-hybrid!</p><p>"My friends, as Emperor, I of course reserve the right of the first taste," he continues.</p><p><em>EAT THE SOUP, EAT THE SOUP, EAT THE SOUP!</em> My mind repeats in growing panic as I feel the beast awaken within me. <em>EAAT! THE DAMN! SOUUP!</em></p><p>But nay, faith was clearly against me as <em>the turning</em> took over before the Emperor's spoon's yet to reach his lips. So begun my pain. My bones begin to grow, my skin tear, and my new horrid form violently took shape before their eyes.</p><p>Everyone in the room panics, overturning chairs and plates as my howl echoes throughout the castle! The two guards draw their swords, charging at me as they scream! I turn my claws upon them. Finally! Cries and pleads leave noble lips as the warm taste of royal blood fills my mouth! The Emperor is dead… <em>Hail Sithis!</em></p><p>"The Gourmet has killed the Emperor! Get him!" Someone shouted. <em>The Gourmet? Do I, at this moment, look like the Gourmet?</em> Though it didn't matter who did the shouting; he too would soon fall beneath my claws as they tore through decorated clothing.</p><p>The moment of gory heat was rushed—they always did die too fast—and now… there was only silence. And as the silence filled the dining hall I took a deep breath and focused—returning to my human form.</p><p>
  <em>This… did </em>
  <em>
    <strong>not </strong>
  </em>
  <em>go as planned. Ah, well. What can one do?</em>
</p><p>I spent too much time admiring the aftermatch of the bloodbath that had just taken place—nothing but blood and gore—but now I could hear footsteps hastily racing the stares;<em> more guards. I need to move!</em> Astrid said she had prepared an escape route by the back, and without hesitation I took it.</p><p>As suspected, darkness had fallen. Secunda was glowing full above me as I raced the balcony bridge to get to the stairs—I need to get out of the city, quickly. But no. Three Penitus Oculatus soldiers suddenly blocked the path ahead of me. It was a trap!</p><p>Commander Maro appears; locking down on me from above. He wastes no time spilling his beans, telling me about the <strong>deal</strong> he had made—'<em>Me' for 'Them'</em>—before leaving as suddenly as he had appeared.</p><p>He should have assumed better than for three soldiers to be enough to deal with me, for he was sorely mistaken… Three against one, it'd be an easy fight. <em>But why not make it easier?</em> After all, there's nothing wrong with enjoying myself.</p><p>"<strong>Tiid Klo Ul,"</strong> I shouted, and all the colors of the world fled with my voice—nothing but black and white left behind, perhaps a hint of blue. I drew my hidden blade as time had slowed almost to a standstill.</p><p>How beautiful it was, watching their expressions slowly—ooh so slowly—turn into shock as I made my move for them.</p><p>
  <em>I wonder… How many cuts can I deliver before their faces begin showing pain? How many?…</em>
</p><p>Like the wind I moved between the two, taking turns between them as I delivered my slashes—lustfully allowing Mehrun's Razor to taste their flesh. From their perspective, I doubt they'd even realized my blade had struck before it retreated from their wounds—that's how fast I must've moved to them.</p><p>
  <em>13 was the answer... 13 cuts… Each.</em>
</p><p>The archer in the back recoiled in fright and shock as the flow of time returned to normal, and again there was color on his cheeks. I heard the two bodies collapse behind me as I walked toward him with a smile, my blade already back in its hilt. But, shock or not, he quickly composed himself and lifted his bow, taking aim to kill, only to freeze as he met my gaze—for few mortals can withstand the hypnotic effect of my <em>Vampiric Seduction.</em></p><p>He stood there, frozen, as I slowly walked toward him. <em>Moments like these? I liked to make them linger. </em>And linger it would; for all were unable to act as the glow in my eyes showed thirsty hunger.</p><p>His bow fell, the sound of wood against stone, as I embraced him—taking my fangs to his neck. A twitch, his shoulder! <em>Aaah! My fangs… The feel.</em> They dug into his vein, desperately reaching for the <em>red </em>beneath his skin. It was all so close to the surface.</p><p>I always enjoyed how fresh blood gave warmth to my undead body—temporary as it may be. It made me felt alive, more so than <em>killing </em>it made me feel alive. Imagine remembering a memory you thought you'd forgotten… That's the closest thing to how I imagine it feels to mortals. But back to the moment:</p><p>It was almost romantic… no, it was, a kiss of death beneath the full moons atop the jewel of Skyrim—Solitude. <em>Could have lasted longer,</em> his body turned limp far too soon—they always did.</p><p>
  <em>But now, quickly! I need to get back to the sanctuary.</em>
</p><p>Down the stairs I ran till they were no stairs no more. A road. Go right, to the stables. Shadowmere!</p><p>Didn't take long to get there, Shadowmere greeted me with a red-glowing look before I threw myself on his back—undead companion, child of the Night Mother, show me the meaning of haste!</p><p>"Stop! You have committed crimes against Skyrim and her people, what say you in your defense?"</p><p>
  <em>By Sithis... Whyyy?</em>
</p><p>A single guard had somehow managed to catch up to me. And now he stood, sword in hand, and attempted an arrest. <em>Really?</em></p><p>For the fun of it, I ask to pay of my bounty.</p><p>"150 000 septims," he sais, for the attempted murder of the Emperor, as well as three Nobles one chef and a number of guards.</p><p>
  <strong>150 000!</strong>
</p><p>I barely have 3000 in my pocket! But don't mind that! I've attempted to murder an emperor—the Emperor! <em>Allowing me to pay off my bounty shouldn't</em>—but wait, I'm the leader of the Thieve's Guild—fully restored to <em>glory—</em>perhaps a <strong>bribe </strong>is in order?</p><p>"How much to make all my problems go away?" I ask with skepticism. Surely he wouldn't–</p><p>"750 septims," he answers without hesitation.</p><p>750 septims?… Really? To get rid of a bounty of 150 000? And on top of th<em>at, all my crimes would be forgotten… 7…5…0…</em></p><p>"Aaaand here you go," I said in glee as I threw him a coin pouch and rode off a ¨free man.¨</p><p>
  <em>Best… Deal… Ever…</em>
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